STATE OF COMMITMENT

20170501-001038.jpg

Ferocious Honesty. Wholehearted Truth. Plucky Candour. This is where my values belong and have for some time, sometimes getting suffocated by my own need to be a pillar of kindness, selflessness, and ever pleasing for the benefit of others. It does me no good you know, this habit of being everything for everyone, nor does it do anyone else any good. Despite being in a profession that is built on the premise of kindness, selflessness, and the best outcomes for others, that premise is nothing but an old whisper of the past – one in which nurses lived in, walked the halls til their feet bled, and were married to their vocation of selfless caring. Certain things had their place in that time, not so in this age where nurses are both men and women, mothers and fathers, and clinical specialists in their own fields with mountainous responsibilities to match. I guess that old whisper has always had a place in my mind – until now.

20170501-001018.jpg

For years I have been committed to everything and everyone but myself, myself has always been an afterthought and deep down I knew I would not be able to sustain it forever. At some point I was going to have to be self-caring, selfish, and put my needs first. I knew this because I say these same words to friends and colleagues who are in the same position, only not being courageous to take in on myself and stand firm in my own needs. That time is over, or will be soon as I take step by step in moulding my own life, my own career. This year I have embarked on so many things that threaten to take me out if I don’t heed my own words: research, a 2 year honours diploma, my certificate 4 in fitness, a new business centred around our long-term plan to move and work abroad, and for this my health has suffered with the lacking sleep and lacking time for my own physical fitness.

This year I have taken some steps to move away from things happening to me and into a place where things happen for me. Big difference. This move requires simple but somehow difficult steps. I’m still doing it no matter how hard the steps are. I was bold enough to ask my boss for one set day off each week so I could be mother to my two girls and be there one weekday day per week to do all those mummy chores – and I love those mummy things I really do, they will no longer be there for me to do much longer as my girls grow. I was worried that this was too big a request and that I would be denied, how wrong I was. I was granted this request with the complete understanding that I needed. I added to this my desire to work no more than 64 hours a fortnight unless I expressed the desire to on the odd occasion, or if it was dire to my workplace that I work up. That too has been put in place. I have a wonderful boss and whilst I trust and know that she looks out for her staffs’ best interests, I have a history of not feeling worthy enough – something I am really working on. It isn’t just my work life I have been working on – my physical health I have been too.

When I moved to the Sunshine Coast I had cancer, thyroid issues, chronic and severe allergy, serious and debilitating anxiety, complications from the cyst in my brain, and that was just the start of it. I was recommended by my GP a supplement I had shipped in from New Zealand that really made a big difference and I was able to stop all my prescribed medications, I gave up smoking, and lost a stack of weight. I was doing so well…until a fall at work and a slip on rocks at the beach left me with 2 fractures in my lower spine, nerve damage, and pain that is present even today. That really halted my training schedule and the weight began piling back on. Add to that a few trips to Europe and no desire to abstain from the local delicacies, a ton of self loathing about this, and I am far from where I was before. I am over the self loathing now, knowing that life happens to all of us and knowing that each day I have been doing my best just to stay afloat and keep moving forward. That said, I have also put in place changes to keep moving forward and climb the steep hill back to the fitness and wellbeing level I was at before – looming early menopause or not.

20170501-001123.jpg

When beginning back with my fitness journey (ughhhh – hate that word now but cant think of another), I had to be realistic in the fact that I am typical Obliger personality – no matter how much I practise not being that. So in order to get into the habit of self commitment, I have to work with it instead of against it. So I have done the following:

· Enlisted hubby to prepare healthy vegetarian meals using our fabbo cookbook

· Encouraged the kids to start thinking of all the vegetarian foods they can eat for good health and energy – and pack/choose themselves

· Earlier to bed for a good sleep – still working on this

· Monday morning walks at 530am followed by an ocean swim (ok paddle), with a friend who is also an obliger personality – and sticking to this routine no matter how I feel (I can always walk a little slower and not as far if I feel shite), and I have successfully kept this routine even if my friend doesn’t come

· Catching myself in moments of stress and taking a few deep breaths

· Actively trying to let go of the hurts others have inflicted on both me and my loved ones – still working on this

· Beginning a fitness challenge lasting 12 weeks with my beautiful inlaws from across the ditch in NZ…to make it a bit fun

I know I have a way to go before I am back where I was and in a forward motion again, but I am feeling confident in my state of commitment to myself.

WAIT A MINUTE! I’M NOT READY?

Ok so my post today is in a different format than usual, but I was in a kind of holiday funk and I had to get myself out of it. Read through to the end paying close attention to the content and possible meanings, then read the endnote down the bottom.

I stand there feeling frustrated and annoyed because she is procrastinating – again. I’m ready of course. Ready to go, do and be. I have everything sorted, planned and in place.

“Just a minute”, she calls as though she really means a sixty second minute. Pffft.

I just don’t understand why she needs a minute. She has been working towards this day her whole life. She knew it was coming even despite the little voice in the back of her head that kept telling her she wasn’t good enough. Even despite the fact that the little voice in her head is still saying these terrible things to her, causing her breath to hitch and her heart to race. Even still she knew this day was coming.

She screams out again, a little more panic in her voice that she is trying to hide with a softened and upbeat tone. “I’m just making myself look presentable, won’t be long now”. Again, another promise to be ready that we know has much deeper meaning than just appearances. Doesn’t she know how perfect she is? Doesn’t she know that she already shines like the sun and radiates her authentic essence? I guess not since I am still here waiting.

I hear a thud and crashing noise just beyond where I am, close to where she is ‘preparing’. “I’m alright. I just stumbled on some things. I’ll just put it all back into place and I’ll be ready”. There’s been stuff falling around her for a while now, yet she still seems to think this is a new occurrence? I guess she’s finding it hard to get out of there when there is things in her way. I will be patient although I find it terribly frustrating. I know that the preparation is essential but I had thought she would be more ready for this considering how excited she was just yesterday. Oh well, Murphy has been busy huh?

As I sit there double checking that I’ve held up my end of the deal, I hear the loudest bang I’ve every heard coupled with a pained scream. No she couldn’t have. As I look in towards her the realisation dawns on me that she has rushed straight into the wall. Not just that, she has also knocked herself out cold. I try to bring her round but there is just no response, it’s as if she has nothing left in her and she is in a place far from here. Ok, don’t panic, we can still be ready. I just have to find a way to bring her back, in a way that has her fired up to go………..

So what do you think this story is about? What does it reflect for the characters, and what does it make you question within yourself?

Comment on the actual blog post in the below section so we can share our thoughts and feedback. What do you think should happen next?

Catch you on the awesome side 😉

Sunny x

MAMMA MELTDOWNS AND M.I.A.

  It’s only Thursday. It’s not Friday, so my nerves shouldn’t be completely frazzled yet. It’s not Saturday – the day when all my sadly neglected chores from the week just gone are groaning at my from just beyond the early morning training session. It’s not Sunday – the day that I ponder the week just gone as I think to myself “where the hell did that week just go”, whilst at the same time ensuring that I am as prepared as I can be for the week looming before me. NO. It’s only Thursday. ONLY. I should by all means have at least a few stray nerves left. Something with which my sanity can grasp to in an attempt to avoid the stampede of my mind as it propels itself into the weeks end. ONLY Thursday. Famous last words I would say.

Stress

Stressed out chicken goes M.I.A. (Photo credit: Dave-F)

If you haven’t already guessed, I am in the middle of my own adult-style meltdown. No I can assure you that I am also not lying on the floor in a ball of tears and tantrums pounding my fists and screaming. Dont get me wrong, if there wasn’t that single cell of sanity tightly holding grip to me then I dare say it could have been a very different post, but I assure you I havent melted to that extent – yet.  So what does one do when one has one’s own hot chocolate style meltdown? One runs away.  Yes you heard it. I ran away! I’m glad my sanity had the good sense to ignore the rational thoughts of “running away isn’t the answer”, because today that is precisely the answer! Because today is ONLY Thursday, and I still have to keep that single cell of sanity alive and intact.

Alot of people – those who do and do not know me – look at me and think that my life is blissfully easy. I know this because they have either directly told me so, I have overheard it, or their behaviour or comments have said all that needs to be said.  They think that my joy is something that comes easy. They think my schedule works because I obviously have a far easier life than theirs, and that I fit in what I do because I must have so much more time than them.  They think my childrens’ behaviour and mannerisms are a direct product of luck and that at anytime in the future they are going to turn into the boy-obsessed, frivolous, attitude filled teenager that many others kids are. They think that being motivated and dedicated to my health and fitness is either easy, or luck, or totally obsessive. They think that my husband and I have the great relationship we have because we are lucky. Right? WRONG!

Let me tell you a little secret…shhhh dont tell anyone…my life isnt easy, nor is it luck, nor is it a direct outcome of magic, leprechauns or unicorns.  I’m not a witch, a magician, or an illusionist.  My life is in fact brutally real, just like everybody else.  Lets look at joy. I’m not just naturally happy all of the time – that would be more an indication of too many happy pills don’t you think?  The reality is that I make a conscious choice each and every day to emanate what I want my life to be. If you walk around with a permanent snarl on your face and in your voice, what good comes of it? None. Lets look at my schedule. Anyone who like me manages a career outside the home as well as managing home life, and anything above and beyond that knows exactly how I feel. Gone are the days for me to be a SAHM – oh yes I miss it. I miss being present at school for drop offs, pick ups, plays, special days and all the stuff in between. I miss doing dinner without trying to race the clock to bedtime because you don’t get home until late. However much I miss this stuff I also know that my career as a nurse gives something entirely different to my girls that they wouldnt otherwise get.  My girls have seen within their own home from a very early age that we work for what we get in life, which by all accounts will be much harder for them by the time they reach my age.

 They see that even mamma bears can have a successful career and a family, whilst showing them good work ethic and a role model for developing their own careers. When they are building their families it will certainly be far harder for them to be SAHM if they so desire – it is difficult to make that happen now.  So I work hard at fitting in my career, my children, my husband, starting a business and preparing myself for that, my personal health and gitness, leisure time, friends and family…and it’s freaking hard!  You have two choices in how to deal with this, you can not bother to try saying it’s all too hard or you can get real with your schedule.  We watch very little television and the couch isn’t closely related to our butts.

Stork delivering baby

Thanks Mr Stork for this well behaved child. (Photo credit: Mediocre2010)

Now when it comes to my children I am very passionate, it’s an area that people just shouldn’t mess with no matter how brave they are. I have never and will never subscribe to the idea that well behaved children are delivered that way by a stork. How utterly laughable. Sure enough some children are born with different temperaments and personalities but that is where the ‘luck’ ends. My children are the way they are because of the standards I set in place when they were wee little ones, probably even before they were born, and because of the consistency in which they are enforced and taught. Of course we have loads of fun, we laugh alot, but my girls know where they stand and there is no guessing. Imagine a hard core super nanny…hi nice to meet you!  Now when it comes to health and fitness I get it. I really do understand out of personal experience, why/how it would be far easier to think that fit people just bounce out of bed in the morning, throw back a grapefruit with a smile, and run like the wind. Sorry to burst your bubble though because reality is that it’s more like me hauling my backside out of my nice warm cosy bed at some rediculous hour, kiss my husband and my sleeping babies goodbye, eat a banana or apple on the way out so I can huff and puff by guts out whilst feeling like a super sweaty hippo in pretty joggers as I run.  But you do it because for once in your life you realise that you are in fact a grown adult capable of being the example to the children you want to live long enough to see grow up.  Now look at my Mr Omni-Awesome. Well I will tell you like it is…marraige is hard! Terribly hard work! It is hard work to overcome the most horrendous obstacles. It’s hard work to stay strong when other people want nothing but to see your marraige fail. It’s hard work ever single day. But it is worth every tear, every sigh, every tough moment. We are open, honest, realistic, and dedicated to living an awesome life together and that is how we have a great marraige- however imperfect it is.

See – nothing is luck! We created this life we call bliss. Imperfect, irritating, hardworking bliss. Joyful, rewarding happy-ever-after bliss. Real, raw, honest bliss. Its not important to know why I had a meltdown – just that it is ok once in a while. How did I deal with it? As I said before, I ran away.

I ran away straight after school drop off to one of my favourite places on the Sunshine CoastLot 104 at Mooloolaba. They are a great “Lot” (pun totally intended because that’s how I roll) who look after me very well, not to mention I always feel very welcome and unhurried. I drank coffee, superb coffee. I at an entire MASSIVE hot breakfast all to myself. I drank hot chocolate for a little while with another run-away mum who sussed out where I was. I drank juice – fresh squeezed and totally delish. I listened to the roar of the ocean and the calming music playing overhead as I sit writing this. Now I will sit and read a book as I eat wedges with sour cream. Naughty I know – but what happens when I am M.I.A. stays M.I.A. 

     Lot 104 (Photo credit: Google images)

Although I had a meltdown today I am still purely and utterly in love with my bliss-filled life – because I choose to be.

And because today is ONLY Thursday.

Everybody Be AWESOME!!!

TAM – M.I.A. 🙂