QUE SERA

Wouldn’t life be easy if we could just say ‘fuck it’, and do shit anyway? After all, doesn’t the greatest happenings in life occur when we throw caution to the wind, give fear the bird, and step courageously into the infinite possibilities that are before us? What can you see when you look at the could haves, the could bes, and the could dos in life, if only you had grappled and taken hold of the mere 30 seconds of guts it takes to say ‘fuck it’?

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I guess I’m asking these questions mostly of myself recently for so many reasons. Like so many of us women heading over to the latter side of their 30’s, we are for the first time really able to define exactly who we are and what we want out of life (although in saying that I can remember back in my 20’s thinking I had all it all figured out too so I might be eating my own words in my next decade here!). One thing I do know is that since becoming a mother, my life is not just about me anymore but about the two beautiful daughters I have been honoured with and as such this means that I must be that guiding light for them to follow. Woah! Big job, big shoes – size 11 in fact!
Asking these questions of myself has prompted me to get jiggy with the realities of life, and has made me challenge every belief, every value, and every action I have taken and will take in the future. I’m cool with that though because “if it doesn’t challenge you it doesn’t change you” – and deep down we all really want life to change and be exciting (could you imagine watching the same episode of a show over and over again? Think that song at the start of the movie Groundhog Day…annoying right?).

So I am learning a lot about Que Sera, and learning a lot about saying what will be, will be. I am learning the value of being guided by creating life rather than being fearful of it, including learning from situations that previously have all but paralysed me emotionally resulting in some significant collateral damage that could have been avoided with using a different tact. Understand that I don’t regret even one of my decisions along the way because they were right for me at those times in those situations.

Que Sera is not about frivolity for me though, I won’t be doing a vegas trip, joining a commune, or jumping out of a plane with no parachute. Que Sera for me has come with a healthy dose of self reflection. Talk about mirror mirror – but that’s for another time. How about some self disclosure of exactly how I have been practising the art of Que Sera lately.

!!!TURNING MY ENTIRE LIFE UPSIDE-FREAKING-DOWN!!!

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NO HOUSE! –YET…

For the past four years since moving to the Sunshine Coast we have lived in a 2.5 bedroom unit. Sounds alright except it wasn’t until after we had moved in that we found out that in fact it was designed mostly for over 50’s – wonder if the other younger families also didn’t realise that until it was too late! We accepted however that the situation was right for us for a short time and made the most of it, next you know four years has flown by and our kids are outgrowing such a small place. So we put in our notice and put all our belongings into storage whilst we house sat for 4 weeks for a friend and colleague of mine (again that whole adventure is for another time), on over 9 acres of beautiful land.

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That part of the adventure is up now and we are winging it in a holiday unit 20 seconds walk from Sunshine Coasts Moololaba Beach – tough life huh – but we are now without a permanent home until the right one is presented to us.

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Admittedly it has taught us how to live without excessive amounts of ‘stuff’, and the girls and us have coped quite well.

I QUIT MY JOB! – AND GOT ANOTHER…

After 4 years in aged care nursing I knew that my time was up when I felt like crying every shift, which was insane because I loved what I did, worked for an amazing company, achieved great things, and had beautiful colleagues and clients. However the masses of government budget cuts and policy changes meant we were doing more work in an already stretched day and it took its toll on myself and my family…and when my then 7 year old daughter said mummy we miss you because you are always working (even at home), I knew that it was time to leave and go back into acute nursing. Im loving it really and was blessed to get a position in an amazing hospital – I am supported, appreciated, cherished, and encouraged to pursue my dreams. Im happy and loving the challenges.

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I’M WRITING A BOOK! – NO REALLY I AM…

I haven’t always wanted to be a nurse. When I was young I wanted to be an author, and I was so good at writing that I got to go to specialist camps and won awards at school…then life happened. I am back on track with it though and am now in the process of writing a book…a nursing book along the lines of 50 shades of poop (kidding). I have had this vision for this book for nurses for quite some time and was given a voucher from my beautiful husband and children, for a 1 on 1 session with an author coach Alex Mitchell. I have had it (it was more enlightening and wonderful than I had expected), and am so excited for what comes next – stay tuned!

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So now I am getting what I look for (read E2 and you will understand), and I am determined to see my life fulfilling, real and raw, connected, and worthy of a legacy I want to leave my children. I can guarantee it wont be all bunny rabbits and chocolate fondue but I do know this to be true –

‘LIFE IS SIMPLY A SERIES OF EXPERIENCES DESIGNED TO BE LESSONS FOR OUR GREATER GOOD’ – Tammy Pluck

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UGLY

Recently there has been a movement by a beautiful woman Allison Grant from Alli&Co and her tribe and its called #banishthebully – a movement to call people out on their shit when they are being a tossed to another person. I do love the concept of this movement and support this movement fully, we should all be able to have our opinions and make our own choices in life without the lynch mob suiting up and drawing their swords – I know this because when I made the informed choice to no longer vaccinate my children after almost losing my firstborn to the side effects, and when I decided that right at this moment I was not a subscriber to chemotherapy for my own health journey, I was launched upon with seething hate from people that I thought loved and cared about our little family….but I digress…back to the ugly side of life. The thing is though its important when banning the bully, to not become the bully yourself – you can stand up against the behaviour without making attacking comments about the bully. So I’m standing here saying I too will #banishthebully – keep that in mind when you read the rest of my exposé of the ugly side of life…

Sure. People show you their lives in highlight reels with the occasion gasp factor and a few bad moments scattered in there to make it seem like they are just the folks next door. People are much slower to show the ugly side to their lives however, in fear that they will be judged, ripped apart, made a mockery of on social media. Can’t blame them really – I mean have you seen the shit fights that occur when someone says they don’t vaccinate their child or don’t agree with chemotherapy in their own health journey? Not only does it not end well but it can often leave even the most emotionally robust people questioning their worth on earth.

So in the essence of over sharing, vulnerability, and a shitload of ‘me too’ – here is the gag reel of ugly moments in life that I’m sure lots of people are leaving out of their Insta-Twit-Face status updates. Brace yourselves! Get a bucket! Don’t pee laughing! Grab a tissue!

I DON’T HAVE ALL MY SHIT TOGETHER – Despite popular belief, everyday I have feelings of inadequacies. Am I a good enough mother. Am I a good enough wife. Am I a good enough daughter. Am I a good enough friend. Am I a good enough nurse. Plain and simple, despite my mostly positive outlook, I constantly have to drag my sorry butt away from the ‘I’m not enough’ party. The constant arguments in my own head about this is enough to light up a Jerry Springer show stage. To be frank (although my names Tammy) we all have these insecurities – you’re not alone.
I’M AN IMPERFECT MOTHER – I try to behave like a responsible parent most of the time but sometimes that baby gets thrown out with the bath water (pfft…not literally silly!). Although I try to parent ethically, lovingly, conscientiously, I haven’t always made decisions that have resulted well – in fact once I let my child speak her mind to her older sister on facebook which was probably not the best decision….I probably old have guided her to have a strong voice to stand up for herself in a different manner but I don’t regret anything because I was doing the best I knew at the time. On another occasion I showed exemplary parental, maternal instinct (insert sarcastic undertones here) when I was sitting on the floor reading my baby girl when I looked at the book thinking “wow that is a lifelike spider” – cue screaming (from me), jumping higher than an Olympic pole vaulter, and me on one side with baby sitting next to (non poisonous) spider, as it dawned on me it was a real spider. Yes. I admit it. I am a dreadful mother.

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I AM NOT A HEALTH NUT 24/7 – Once upon a time I was over 30kgs heavier, smoked, had cervical cancer, rrv/bfv induced arthritis, thyroid disorder, cyst on my brain, pre diabetes, exemplary nurse!!!!! Then I hit a wall when I got to the point where I was struggling to walk from the lounge to the bathroom from the escalating vertigo I’d been experiencing for years and I made a massive change. Shed a stack of weight, got cancer free, stopped smoking, mostly sorted the thyroid crap, etc etc. All of a sudden people thought I was just perfect…especially after we decided to become vegetarian. Let me tell you folks…although I like to make the best nutrition decisions for myself and my family – I’m not perfect (in fact the last couple of months have been shocking!!!). I have been known to eat hot chips, I allowed some ‘naughty’ food back into my house….hell I even scoffed a bunch of chocolate – and not the guilt free stuff I normally make at home. We have had a shitty few months and we sometimes make emotional decisions about our food. We just won’t stay in this state of processed sugar bliss.

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SHIT HAPPENS TO US TOO – Currently as we speak we have had car engines explode, cancer, accidents, times we have had to ask my parents for financial help, worried if we will have enough money to pay the bills, had my teenage daughter have her heart and breathing stop for 2 mins after a collapse in the shower, mysterious medical crap going on with hubby and no clue why, people disrespect us, people judge and hate on our decisions for our family, family dramas….need I say more? We all have this in our lives…life happens even when you’re sending good into the world.

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PLAIN OLD SHAKE YOUR HEAD YOU TOO MOMENTS – You know life brings us so many things that challenge us but not everyone talks about it because either it is still considered taboo, or it’s just plain embarrassing….it’s okay though I’m a nurse – over sharing is just what we do at the dinner table! Anyone can see I haven’t gained my pre baby body back and to be honest I know that part of the reason is because no amount of exercise and nutrition can fix some things, so unless I decide to do that there will be some aspects of my body I have to simply love as they are. For example:
I love the torn fibres in the muscle on my belly that looks and feels much like a run in a stocking ladder – because that belly carried a few beautiful babies…two of which were able to come into the world – the others back into Gods arms.
I love my bladder, my bowel, and my pelvis – they may be a little friendly with gravity these days but my bladder sure does let me know when I’ve had too much time on the trampoline, to many laughs, or when it’s time to do the front door key shuffle….bless that bladder and that 1 hr labour and birth – who said a fast baby wouldn’t be fun!
I love my non-existent libido…because apparently sleep gives me even more joy lol…all I need to say is that birthing a 9’10” baby head to toe in under 3 mins with no drugs is no walk in the park. On the upside my husband agrees with the joy of sleep too…we’re both completely buggered!
I love my cervix….pap smears are never the same after your cervix has been chopped to bits by constant biopsies for 2 years…but she served her purpose and recovered from cancer.

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So as you can see – its not all highlights in life – we are all real, and raw, and as flawed as the next person in our own perfect way. Lets celebrate the ugly life brings as well as the great. After all, you would never know su shine without a little rain x

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