WHERE I’M AT

It’s been a while since I’ve been regularly present on my own blog lately hasn’t it? I do love being here I promise. It’s the one place where I feel free to say what is weighing on my soul, and scream from the rooftops all the cool stuff that excites me. It’s important for each if us as human beings to have our own forum for being heard and speaking our truth – whether it be a log, a diary or any other form. I think blogging has exploded in popularity for many people to have a voice but I wonder, are there any other cool ways to do this?

I’ve been in a process of storming, forming and norming so to speak, and although its necessary for personal growth, I don’t much like it. If I believed in past lives I would have to wonder if I was a hooligan at some point destined to learn a load full in this one. Since I don’t I guess I have put it down to me not listening to my intuition, my body or the signs everywhere on what to do and what not to do, thus my body is screaming at me in other ways.

A few years ago now I was diagnosed with a cyst on my brain but when they looked at it they couldn’t figure out some mysterious thing encapsulating it. Now for about 13 years I have had vertigo issues, but right before this thing was found I got got a real good whack in the head and since then the vertigo and headaches became ridiculous. I have had a really good run since changing my lifestyle but it appears that my body has figured out that I’ve been cutting some corners, burning the midnight oil (like now), and forgetting the fact that living that way got me into this mess last time. I’ve been putting off the self shaking I’ve needed to give myself for a while but now with the return of these symptoms, the development of a painful lump in my leg and feeling emotionally swamped – well I need to face facts. It’s time to live again.

So I’m jumping back into me again. I have been looking after my soul again by committing to Pilates each Saturday with a group of amazing women, starting writing again, connecting with people who add value to my life, and educating myself on cleaning up my system even further, and really cutting out the stuff that no longer serves me. A very respected friend of mine said to me the other day that she longed for excitement in her life again and intended on going out and getting it. I have to say that I’m with her.

So I have decided to scratch the idea of going through the whole neurologist and brain scan pathway that I know will may lead to another year or two of stress, worry or what ifs to get the same answer of ‘no we won’t operate because its too deep’, nor will I be spending time waiting for what ifs or what nexts for the lump in my leg that may or may not be anything – I’ve been on the cancer trail before and I’d rather concentrate on fixing the deeper cause.

Instead I am going to focus on living – really living, because that’s what I want, not living because I’m fearful of the alternative. I know it might appear a morbid thing but I deal with death quite regularly in my job as a nurse and the one thing that is strikingly obvious is that living is the key…not dwelling, not regretting, not fearful (working on it), not angry or unforgiving, not too proud to change your mind, not stuck. In saying that I need to acknowledge that I’m not perfect nor always right, but I do try to act on what I believe to be true at the time for the best interests of my family and my life. Doesn’t always come across that way though.

I’m taking this opportunity to put all the painful stuff away (working on it), and this includes making it okay for others to do the same. Part of this is saying – I’m sorry. I’m sorry if anything I have ever done has come across in a way that has made you feel hurt, or less, or unimportant…period. There will be one or two particular people that this really is significant to and if they think it applies to them then yes I’m talking to you. Nothing I have done has ever been intentionally aimed at hurting you so please know that. In turn I am also releasing all the things that have cut deep for me too (working on it), and allowing myself the space to heal. I look back on all the young women I nursed in their final days and I want to have the peace that they had now not just in my final days. I don’t want anything unfinished for me or anyone else – and I have a sense of urgency that now was the time and I’d best not leave it any longer.

Ultimately though I want my zest and my joy back and I fully intend on pursuing it.

Deep down do you feel that you have no unfinished business, you’ve overcome your regrets or at least made peace with them, and that you would feel your life complete at any stage because you lived it big?

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