UNCONTROLLABLY UNCERTAIN & UNASHAMEDLY UNLEASHED

Where do I start?

I have spent significant effort trying to get even this first sentence out because instead of a state of mindfulness, I feel like my head is more a minefield of sorts. I’m certain that at any time the grenades that are the issues in my head are going to explode and set off a series of events that has the potential to unravel the fabric of ‘what I call’ my sanity. It is the closest I have been for a long time to losing the plot – which should ordinarily be difficult since it is my story after all.

I should really let you all in on what is going on since I have chosen to share some of the grenades with you all. I chose to share this of course, for a very good reason. You see balance is dynamic – meaning that at any one time the balancing scales can be tipped in any direction. This doesn’t mean that your life is out of balance it just means that you have to develop a way of adjusting to this new definition or point of balance. This is also to say that I am also not immune to needing to constantly be in a state of awareness of these shifting dynamics in my own life. I want to make sure that I am ever-transparent to those who are dedicated to my blog, and show that I am just like everyone else and struggle with balance too. It is much easier to see how other people can create balance in their lives – but much harder to have the same level of diplomacy of your own. I stand before you today and say ‘I’m struggling with it’ and ‘open to suggestions’.

In my job I wear many hats. I don’t mind doing that because not only does it keep life interesting, but I really like hats! The problem with wearing so many hats however, is that you have to be constantly aware of the hat you are wearing so as you don’t mix up what role you are playing – unless you have one of those cute mirrors like Vanity Smurf carry around. So with all this musical role-changing I am feeling quite a sense of overwhelm to the point of tears. I know I need to look at my roles and how to best manage my time. This also includes a bit of learning how to leave my job at work and not carry the weight of what I do home with me. Being in the caring profession of nursing it is sometimes difficult to separate your emotions and ‘clock off’ at the end of the day. But I know now that I really need to master this. Sure there will be special occasions that rock your soul in this job but I just cannot let this be everyday like I have been up til now. How I do this is an answer I don’t have at this time. I’m the worst person at switching off and ‘leaving it at work’ – my mind and heart keep going throughout the day/evening in all that I do. Whether it be an item I see or a song I hear that reminds me of a client past or present….it is ever constant within my very being. Some would say that it is this that sets me apart as a nurse and whilst I agree to some point, I also have to recognise that I cannot maintain this state of heightened emotion and thought without it being a detriment to myself and my family in the long term.

I also have taken on quite a lot in my professional life outside of my current ‘day job’. Aside from writing (which is quite therapeutic for me really and the one thing that gives me an outlet that is all my own), I also have a few other things going on. Along with helping a few people out with their social media, marketing and writing on a barter service, I also have my Cert III & IV in Fitness that I am meant to be working towards – not to mention, my own website to build and work on. When looking at all this it is my own business building strategy and outcomes that is suffering as a result of such an enormous workload.

One would hope that at least my personal life would be somewhat balanced but alas no, it is currently in a tad of turmoil and dishevelled disarray. My husband and I both work shift work and are currently working on a tag team basis not by choice but rather necessity. This means that instead of time together we have more of ‘what I would call’ a hallway relationship. I miss hi I terribly and it breaks me to pieces that our family life at the moment is far from what we want. That coupled with the massive upheaval that has occurred the past few days has meant that our entire schedule and balance is even more uncontrolled. I’m more out of control than I have been for a while and I’m afraid that its going to be a tough slog to get at least some of it back. This part I really don’t know what to do. My mother has left an emotionally bankrupt relationship and is staying with us which is tough in such a small villa. I love having her here and my girls are especially blessed to have her here too, it I’m so emotionally drained and wasn’t ready for this and am feeling ill equipped and uncertain of what my next step should be.

So I have no fairy tale ending. No feel good round up of today’s post. No word of wisdom or encouragement. No silver lining to brighten the night sky. Only empty hands upturned to the sky asking…..’what’s next, where to from here’………………

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One thought on “UNCONTROLLABLY UNCERTAIN & UNASHAMEDLY UNLEASHED

  1. Great post. Love your honesty. Sure that many revelations were made and insight further discovered. Life is hectic. That is certain and it is only what meaning we give to what is going on that helps us get through it.

    I took a 2 month break from social media to break free from overwhelm and get back to what is important for me and my family. Now that I am back I feel back in balance and was one of the greatest gifts I allow myself to have every few months are so. There is a brilliant quote that sums up how I feel at the moment

    “I’m on a mission to simplify life, to slow it down to a pace at which it can actually be consumed, not just tasted. I don’t want to hide behind the ubiquitous, “I’m really busy” as a badge of honor. I want a lower cost of living (not just financially) and a higher quality of life. I want to limit the number of [things] that compete for my attention so that I can apply more attention to those [things] I care the most about. Less is the new more.” Tim Maurer 2012

    Everyone seems to want our attention and being the strong one as I see you, you know that we are often taking on too much and doing too little for yourself. This is where I find, I have learned to say no to others and yes to me. Hard thing to learn but progress is the most rewarding and soul strengthening peace I have yet to uncover.

    I agree with you, writing is my outlet and sanity too combined with running which may be good for my health but I consider it to be my mental health therapy.

    Be kind to yourself love, you never receive anything you cannot handle and life’s struggles are gifts. This year was named “My year of living in the courageous zone” I struggled big time until I realized that

    “You can not get to courage without walking through vulnerability” Brene Brown

    So instead of my anticipated year of gaining a courage badge it has become so much more as I allowed myself to sit in honesty, brevity and not just embrace but encircle myself with uncertainty for growth.

    Which has been far from easy and there has been some dark moments and even darker days but there is progress and that is enough.

    May you enjoy each day that you are gifted with and be kind to yourself. You can be everything to everyone but at what cost? Choose you.

    Whenever I have gone through something similar which happens often, I remind myself that to be who I want to become I have been gifted with each lesson and hardship to help me get there.

    Keep smiling and taking it one step, one moment at a time.

    Gratitude,
    Tammy xx

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