Have you ever felt like telling an aha moment to jump off a cliff or stick it? I have, and well I’m a bit cranky with said aha moment for being such a pain in the butt. I think I have had enough aha moments to fill a lifetime and frankly I’m over it! Yep I’m having a dummy spit because this whole self awareness gig just sucks lemons.
I’ve been struggling with an issue for a while now with no clue as to what brought it on. I was nice. I was fair. I really wanted our unit to really work. I gave chances. I’ve even forgiven. However it appears that the issue did not lie with this situation but simply the reverse…I was a wicked step daughter!!! Noooo waaayyy! It was in front of my face the whole time.
I don’t see this as airing dirty laundry, I see it as being open, honest and transparent. Facing that great big elephant sitting in the middle of the living room – we all see it but nobody wants to talk about it. If I can figure my tough shite out then maybe just one person out there will look at their own tough shite and say to themselves – hey, it’s not that bad….totally doable.
A freakin spiritual awakening. Words straight out of Brene Browns mouth about how her therapist described her breakdown. Now I’m not having a breakdown per se but I am having a break through, and in the absence of swear words ‘freakin spiritual awakening’ feels like the right way to describe this. I’ve had to be taken down kicking and screaming however because I was so invested in this situation having nothing to do with me because I couldn’t pinpoint the karmic reason for it.
Those who know me know that I have been to hell and back in our family over the past couple of years – but it was really brewing for a while before that – what do you expect really when you marry a man (amazing one at that) who is not only 19 years older than me, but had already been married, divorced and had a child many moons ago. Maybe I was naive about what we would face but at the time I was too smitten with my now husband to be concerned about it. Little did I know that the reactions we would face would close to destroy my very young daughter – although the hardships she faced early on and now have just created the amazing, inspiring and authentic teenager I have today. When I made a stand against what was going on however, little did I know it has been there all along to show me something I have not wanted to deal with for many years – my own step mother!!!
My mum and dad divorced when I was 11 and to say I have step parent issues is an understatement. I have deep seeded issues with my step father (that one is a book in the making so we will leave that one alone for the moment), but my dad has remarried many times over the past 20 years. Not the finest choices he had made but I was okay with it as long as it made hime happy – because I love my dad forever and a day. However then he married his current wife. All was good, in fact I quite liked her despite her alternative beliefs I didn’t understand at the time. Until the day she put both her feet in her mouth and couldn’t for the life of her manage to get them out. It all started over a phone conversation in which one simple sentence she didn’t think about changed the course of our relationship. It was at a time where I had called my dad to tell him the news that the doctors had found a growth in my brain and that they didn’t know quite what it was. To top it off they had said even if they wanted to biopsy it they wouldn’t because it was too deep and couldn’t risk it. So I as a single mother just beginning a relationship I was feeling very vulnerable and terrified to my boots about what this could mean for my then 5 year old daughter. Then she said IT. The sentence that I would forever judge her against. She said to me “that’s terrible, but you know that your thoughts create illness. What we think and say makes these things happen to us”. BAM! NOT what I needed to hear at that time. In hindsight I now understand what she was trying to say but even looking back her delivery just sucked!!!
So this is what the universe has been trying to put in front of me for all this time. It’s going to be tough but I know what I have to do. I have to write her a letter of apology for holding one sentence against her for so many years. It was unfair. It was naive. And I need to be the enlightened adult that I am and apologise. Despite the clear pain in the butt this aha moment has been, it has given me a kind of release that I’ve been on the very edge of – like paragliding unrestricted and able to navigate anywhere I want to go. I discussed this with my husband because I’m getting cool with vulnerability like that…and I think it has helped him to start seeing where his life lessons are and the mountains he has to climb to reach that point of self compassion and self awareness. So he is supporting me in this and my children will get to meet their other granny next year when we go to visit them interstate.
It would be easy to feel shame or other negative emotions working through this chaos we call life, but I don’t. I just feel grateful that I am alive when I am figuring all this stuff out. None of us know when our clock is up and I would just hate to leave this world with regrets or unfinished business.
What are you sweeping under the carpet because its too confronting??? Go on…get raw…you will be supported here x