Fear. If we are truly honest with ourselves we would openly admit that fear is the race car driver when it should actually be the exhaust smoke – a burnt up byproduct of our journey through life. When you strip back the layers of fluff that surround the deep inner motives that shape the decisions we make in life you will find fear. If you don’t find fear ever, then there is a chance that you are either totally and wholly perfect or you are just pulling your own leg and need to get real.
I have loads of fears and many of them quite common in the general population, some specific to women and mothers. Here they are, careful this could be dangerous. I am fearful of spiders, bugs and crunchy insects. I am fearful of not being the best mother, friend or partner that I should be. I am fearful of being rejected, ridiculed and dismissed by the people that matter to me, or anyone for that matter. I am fearful of not being enough both personally and professionally. I am fearful of deep water, flying and public speaking.
Now if you look at all the decisions we make on a regular basis you can see how these fears can impact on the conclusions we come to and the steps we take. Just recently we made the final decision that we would be taking our two daughters out of private school and putting them into a very good state school. Don’t get me wrong I am happy with this decision however at the same time I found myself questioning myself and how this reflected on me as a mother, whether I would lose some of the friendships I have made, not being embraced by the new people I would meet, and how this was going to impact my children. I understand when I look at this that some of this apprehension comes from my deeply ingrained and long history of self worth issues.
It is similar to what I feel like if I have to public speak. I feel like everyone is thinking “who the jelly is she? Who does she think she is – she isn’t the leading expert so what would she know”. I recognise however that this stems from this place of low self worth. So what did I do about it? I followed my “2013 YEAR OF AWESOME” instincts and decided to leap straight into this fear and get the jelly over it. A couple of months ago I accepted a backfill position as a Learning and Development Officer delivering education within the company I work for. It does prove for interesting conversation however when I am discussing with the participants about Personal Safety and fears – none of them believe me when I say public speaking is one of my biggest fears. I guess this means I must be building my own bridge step by step and gleefully (okay glee is a string word) getting over it. Yay me!
Miss Rebel Writer also asked me recently why I hadn’t applied to talk at TEDx NOOSA? Apparently my 13 year old believes in me more than I do! Six months ago I probably would have laughed hysterically and never gave it another thought, however now I only just laughed hysterically before actually giving it some serious thought. The theme for 2014 is ‘space’ taken either literally or figuratively. So far what I have come up with is the idea of creative space and creative license. My idea I think is worth spreading, and the idea I would like to share is that I believe that we should in all areas create space that allows for creative thought and action. For example at school we should be allocating unscheduled and unplanned time for creative thought and the time and space to do so, instead of trying to constantly fit our children into boxes. This allows them time to become connected with thought and be able to recognise their own thought patterns. In university, I believe that each bachelo/degree etc, should have at least one subject that allows for free thought and innovation – after all it is a falicy that uni students are brain dead from hours of study and little sleep (most of the time), instead this is the time when their minds are fresh, energised, and engaged in what they are doing. In our workplaces there should be allocated paid time for innovative thinking and brainstorming discussions that are also unplanned to allow the people in the battleground of their respective fields to move it forward. It is difficult for them to have these epiphanies during their working hours due to increased workloads, and by the time they get home many want to leave work behind to manage that dynamic balance in their lives. Releasing this potential in people releases the universal potential for great ideas, great change, great futures. What are our thoughts on these things?
My next leap is to face my fear of deep water. I’m facing this via baby steps next month with Melinda from MAB Personal Training as we have a group of us kayak from Golden Beach on the Sunshine Coast, over to Bribie Island and back. I still have plenty of fears. Some that relate to the lack of support I receive from family and friends regarding this blog – something i am passionate about of course. But all will be addressed as they arise, because finally I see that in fact I AM ENOUGH! My self worth does not depend on whether those closest to me read, or share my blog articles, nor is it dependant on whether material that is mine is acknowledged when used (although I do understand the copyright implications for the future). It is totally dependant on me. Can you tell I’ve been reading a significant amount of Brene Browns book Daring Greatly?
So tell me, what fears are you chasing? Or are you still hiding them under your bed….