JUST KEEP SWIMMING

I love “FINDING NEMO” and I equally love Dory…that loveable fish who really has no clue as to what is going on around her, but really has a good grasp on some key concepts.  Right now I would LOVE to be Dory…especially the short term memory loss thing so I could just get back to my life without wanting to cry!

Why do I feel like crying all the time??? Because I think Murphy has it in for me!!! Seriously…just when I think I have this sh%! figured out…Murphy sticks his big nose into my life.  I know that we all have our lessons to learn but seriously…I get it!!! I have learnt loads!!! Can I have my little lunch now???

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming

So Murphy started beating me with the lesson book early as I watched countless friends die of suicide, and friends also die of horrid disease…leukaemia, cystic fibrosis…all before I turned 18! Far too many to even count on both my fingers and toes.  Far too much for a lass who moved out on her own from the age of 16.  Its no wonder I got mixed up in the drug world at such a young age.

Then I suffered abuse by my then “boyfriend” and really had no one to turn to as I wasnt as close to my mum then as I am now.  Not to mention other stuff that I wont air on here.  I was stuck then and had some very serious thoughts and plans to end my life which was only thwarted by mere luck/destiny…whatever you wish to call it.  This was after spending most of my childhood being taunted, teased, bullied by my peers…and my own sister who also used to beat the crap out of me when ever she felt like it – even if it were for no reason.

Just as I thought my life seemed to start taking on some sense of normalcy I fell pregnant unintentionally to my eldest daughters father whom then along with family members encouraged me – ok tried to coerce me into getting an abortion or adopting the baby out.  At 20 yo I couldnt for the life of me think that abortion was the way out because of my own personal beliefs, nor did I feel like it would be concievable to live life wondering “what if” and at that time my parents were closer to me and supportive of whatever I needed.  So I decided I would be becoming a mother with or without him and boy what a ride that has been.

After years of dramas (that we (Loz and I) handled well I think – although it was a challenge and stretched us to our limits and left Loz with a few emotional issues that we have had to support over the years, and we have dealt with Laurens long long long medidcal issues too, I thought I had finally gotten to the promised land of wonderful family and good health!  BOOM!!! Bloody Murphy!!!

Then I met with huge resistance by select others relating to the age gap of 19yrs between my husband and I but we were happy so forged ahead and were ecstatic when we fell pregnant after trying soo hard to get preganant with Miss 5.  But they found a growth on my brain before I fell preganant and I was getting daily headaches before I fell pregnant and after every single day and I was told that although they werent 100% sure about this thing it wasnt operable anyway because of where it was…scans scans scans…pain pain pain….blah blah blah!!! Mix in working, studying full time when missy was 3 weeks old, complications post birth, Ross river virus, barmah forest virus and oh wait…cervical cancer – well I could have killed Murphy if he didnt get me first!!!

Now I sorted the cancer with the supplements I take, the rrv/bfv arthritic pain disappear due to the same, and all the other health concerns sorted less the brain thing which stayed stable…now I lost almost 40kgs, am fitter, have run an 5km and 10 km and am looking forward to doing a triathlon this year and a half and full marathon next year.  So the swimming is going ok (I thought) and I dont feel so much like I am being drowned or tossed around by the waves…when…..BOOM!!!

I put my heart and soul into everything I do and it gets torn down…shoved back into my face…disregarded….ignored…defamed…blah blah blah! Once again I find that standing my ground and fighting for me (or my kids) makes me appear to be a bitch, or mean, or inconsiderate!!! Ok…so when does it get to be my time to look after me and my own???

Suddenly my fins dont work and the water seems more like cement…my self worth starts to feel attacked and I start second guessing my right to be happy, heard and appreciated.  This is no good! This is “NOT COOL”. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!

So that is why I would like to be Dory…because in 5 minutes I might forget what a tosser you were, I might forget that a few people throwing stones need an attitude adjustment, I might forget how destructive and untrustworthy some of this world is…and I might just forget how much it hurts!  But since I am not a fish, and thus not Dory…I will just have to try to

And for now

Everybody Be AWESOME!!!

TAM 😕

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One thought on “JUST KEEP SWIMMING

  1. I enjoyed reading this post, not because of your pain, but because I’ve been through a lot too, and I was touched by your honesty! Sometimes I write like this and wonder if it gives some the wrong impression of me…but, as I writer/blogger…that’s what we do, put it out there, put it on the line! I hope Murphy buggers off and leaves you alone!! I hope things get better!! xxx

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